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My name is Michelle, and I've been a girl inside since I was about 7 yers old. I'm much older now and can tell you It has been very, very hard living in a different gender than my inner me truly is. The daily heartache of waking up and having to put on a male persona for work and to please my partner really hurts.
However, there have been times where I overcame my fears and said What the Heck. In those times, I would get dressed up, put my makeup on and step out as the real me. It felt so wonderful to go to shopping, trying on cloths, eating at restaurants, and even going to my eye doctor for cute new femme glasses. I even had the courage to come out to my neighbors as Michelle. Their reactions to me as Michelle was so encouraging.
Because of my living arrangements, my partner asked that I not live full time, and not be dressed when she is around. She didn't want to be known as a lesbian or have a female life partner. That made me truly sad, but I also love her, so I end up only being partially out.
I recently moved to the wine country in Northern California, which turns out to be very conservative, compared to the liberal Silicon Valley/San Francisco area. As part of that move, I lost my support system and BFF Cynthia N. She was the first person I came out to years ago, and we used to go out together a lot as friends. I miss the shopping trips, girl brunches, and just hanging out together.
As for shopping, I was extremely shy and worried at first, but found the stores actually welcomed me. I even had a young female shopping clerk volunteer to go with me on a shopping spree and help me pick out different outfits, clothes, shoes and makeup. That made me feel so very happy!!!
I can relate to you shy girls reluctance to go out, but encourage you to find an understanding sister and start going out. Also, don't let fear stop you. You may want to do some initial window shopping in the gender you feel comfortable with, and then go back as the girl you truly are to get that great dress, shoes, etc. After all us girls really enjoy SHOPPING THERAPY.
Michelle G
