Hi
I've done everything I can think of to keep all those I love happy! I've was sent to boarding school to keep my father from thinking that I was'nt "one of them", I've heard him describe me as " at least he is'nt one of them" to my friends!
I have suffered a lot of shit as a result of being different and I am tired of it!
I don't want to be different. I want to fit in. But I know who I am, and I cannot ignore it.
I'm tired of this bullshitt.
So what if I wore my sisters clothes, so what if I was a little effeminate, " I'm going to make a man of you", just is'nt good enough! I just wanted to be loved for who I was, and that did'nt happen. This was a long time ago, as a result I have lived in limbo until now.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't want pity, I just want to move on.
All I need is to be accepted in some small way, and at least, be accepted for who I am,

Hi Stella,

I really empathise with you. I was in exactly the same bind as you about two years ago and it was driving me mad, literally. Then when things got too bad, with the support of a counsellor and a close friend and colleague I came out. And do you know what? People said that I make sense and I fit in because it is obvious that as a woman I , as one colleague put it, 'Make sense.' I'm accepted and respected more than I ever was as a man and feel great. I'm on the waiting list for a gender identity clinic and although the change is going to cost me my marriage it is still worth doing. Being your true self is so vital. I'm not saying to do what I did but express that inner you.

I have found this poem very helpful:

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!'
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations ,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver


My heart goes out to you,

Nell xxx

Hi Mary.

I'm sorry it's took a little while to reply. I just wanted to say a heartfelt thanks for your kind words.
I'm having a hard time identifying how I'm feeling most of the time, but I do know that being honest with myself, having been in denial for a very long time, is the only logical and healthy option. I only wish for peace and happiness
I hope you don't mind me saying that I have incredible respect and admiration for you and the course you have chosen and I wish you peace and happiness in your own journey.

Stella xxx

Hi Stella,

It's Nell - Mary Oliver is the name of the poet. I wish was so talented and could write such moving words. Thank you for your kind and supportive words - they mean a lot. Being true to ourselves is ultimately all we can be. Your wishes are no more than anyone wishes for themselves or should wish for others. I hope you can find the resolution you seek.

Kindest thoughts,

Nell xxx

Hi Nell

Sorry. The poem was wonderful, wish I could write moving stuff.
I trying to make some progress in that I'm going to make an apointment to speak to a councilor. I think it will help.
Peace and Happiness

Stella xxx

Hi Stella,

I do know a counsellor who is a specialist in the field of trans issues. She is based over in Chesterfield though. You can find her details at www.mlowden.com. Even if you don't see her she has useful info on her site. Just remember it's not you it's the others. Know it's a bit of a cliche but it's true. The problem doesn't lie with us but the binary gender boxes that try to make us live our lives as lies.

Hugs to you honey and take care,

Nell xxx

Thanks Nell

I will look her up and keep you posted. I know what you mean about having to conform to others expectations. I does make me question how my familly might react though.
Thanks for your kind words and support Nell.

Peace and Love
Stella xxx