Having a bad day

• Posted by Deleted Member September 13, 2013 923 views
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  I have never ever written a blog,so i dont even know if i am doing the right thing.

    My reason for the title "having a bad day",its simply that i am having a real bad time at the moment,personally wise that is.

  I look at some of the tgirls on here and i have to admit that i so envy you girls.From a very early age,i realised that i was different,i wouldnt,and couldnt do all the little boy growing up stuff,because i knew i didnt want to be a boy,but i perseveered because i thought i would grow out of it,but i hated being the way i was,and still am.

  I grew up in a strong working class family where men were the head of the household,and the eldest son ( me) was expected to be like my father,the "DOMINANT" one.

  Whenever i was alone,i used to borrow my sisters clothes and it felt so right,i felt like the girl i should have been,

  School was never any better,i didnt want to do woodwork etc,i wanted to do cookery,needlecraft,p.e was horrible,i wanted to do netball or rounders,not football and cricket.

  As the years grew by,the feelings to become who i should have become never waned,but i had to keep up the pretence of being someone i hated,and still today i hate the male form that i go around in.The girl inside of me cries on a regular basis but no one see's or hears her.

  I did get married once,but even that was a disaster from day one,i wanted to be the bride,at one point i hid in the toilets crying yet again because it was all a sham !!!!! needless to say the marriage didnt last long and once more i had failed.

  Over the years i have beentreated for depression,though i cant tell anyone why i get so depressed.

  I live in a very strong working class area near manchester where at times its like living with neanderthals,the consensus around here is gays/trannys etc should be shot or must have been born deformed,so no-one knows my secret apart form one girlgirl who i have known for years,who one day asked me if i was gay.I told her i have no interest whatsoever in the male form but i couldnt tell her about the girl inside of me.She knew i was different in as much that i never had any close male friends,i only ever get on with women,she never persisted but i knew she was looking at me in a different way.After a night out with her and a few (too many) jack daniels i broke,i told her about how i felt about me,and she was brilliant,never judged me,never said i was a freak,gave me that shoulder i needed to cry on,the ear that listened.

  Did it change anything,nah,i stiil couldnt break out and tell the world that i needed to live as natalie,and thats due to the same old thing,stigma !!!!!!! She did ask if she could see natalie one day,but i think that was more for her sexual gratification.

  I remember being in a bar near where i live one night,i dont know if you remember the programme that was on channel 4,my transexual summer,well that just came on the tv,the reaction in the bar was horrible,hang em,freaks,pervs,you get my drift i guess,i sat there thinking what a bunch of cretins,but i knew that i could never come out,my life would be made a living hell.Why have i never moved,simple,my family and my work,i have a job that you just cannot walk into anywhere in the country,its specialised work in a very large company with very very limited opportunities to move to another area.

  Back to the depression part,some of you might ask why havent i told my doctor,simple really,our local gp is my mothers best friend and lives very close by,i cannot take the risk of anyone knowing as it would destroy my family,even with patient confidentiality,( think thats how you spell it lol),

  So,what does life hold,welllllllll i will carry on admiring you lucky people on here,thanking you for your friendship,i have tried other sites but they weren't for me,too many single,(and married) men wanting to meet up,for nothing more than a rumble in the hay,even when i tell them i'm not into men,straight as a dye i am lol.

  Natalie will always be around,but only behind the curtain.!!!!!!!

  I could write a lot more,but ther's not much point in waffling on is there :-p

   

                               nat xx