Pre-Summer Update #1

• Posted by Rachel Maxwell June 1, 2014 #  #update  #  #summer  #insightful  2,114 views
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  Here are a few updates to all of you with a keen interest. I haven't been doing very much. Mostly sitting idle. I'm not exactly waiting for things to happen all by themselves. It is more like I am waiting for the pieces to settle into place. What seems like a glacial rate of change now will surely accelerate in the next few months.

  It's such a shame that I'm in Norway somtimes. Not that things are horrible here. Quite the opposite really. The weather has been stunning and brilliant. It almost feels like summer. With clear blue skies sometimes touched with clouds and a cool breeze, things are just beautiful. Thats not what I mean when I say that is a shame. If anything I love Oslo this time of year. I don't enjoy not having many social opportunities. To say that the TG scene here is abysmal would be an understandment. I'm not saying there isn't anyone nor that there aren't any opportunities for such events. They just don't happen to be the sort of events that I'm particularly interested in.

  How many geeks do you know? How many of you are into computers? Board Games? Video Games? Movies? Documentaries?My problem is that I just usually don't like going out to loud or noisy places. I don't really enjoy alcohol all that much, but I do like cider. Shame I have diabetes and cannot enjoy it that often.

  Maybe I'm just crazy for liking nights in. Since it is summer, I have put on a dress, but it reminds me why I don't like then if they aren't long. I don't care much for the scars on my right leg. They certainly detract from my femininity. I must say though it is a large size, and it fits well enough. It isn't too tight. I would take a picture, but really who wants to see that? I haven't done any make up.

  I still haven't plucked up the same courage as some of you; to go shopping by myself. Heck, I haven't even gone with a friend. I start off determined to buy something. Start browsing. Realise that other women are looking at me. Deciding that I don't really like anything at the store anyway, and hastily beat a retreat. Many of these things I see, I don't like. Most of the trousers just are skinny leg or not a style that I think I would like.

  I do have good news though! My size 18s are far too big on me. I think I'm closer to a 14. I tried on a pair of 32s and managed to suck in my tummy enough that I could button it. Of course, it was a tight fit, and I was going to go walking, so I changed into my regular trousers, which I am also happy to report are also too big. size 36 waist I am not. I am about a 33/34. Progress is slow but steady.

  As far as what is ahead. I have planned, but not yet scheduled Laser Hair removal via LightSheer Diode or Sheer Duet. I plan on doing this before my psych evaluation in august. Would it be better to go there with a Splotchy face, I wonder? Or would that make a difference? I just want to show them that I am making progress and committed. I hope they start me on some anti-androgen as well after a few sessions.

  Business-wise things are ok. I am trying to decide if I will operate at cost or try for a surplus. On the one hand, having a surplus means it is taxable, however, if I operate at cost, then there is less tax to be paid. I don't really want to pay myself a salary or income. There are no shares or stocks, so it doesn't matter. 

  Reading many of your blogs, makes me happy for some, and joyful for others. Not everything is perfect. Although we don't usually want to talk about our love lives, I may as well.

  I don't have one. I'm not even sure at this stage if I even want one. It wouldn't be bad to have someone to smooch with, but as far as a serious relationship? That just seems overly complicated. the question I have to ask myself is would you date someone who was going through a similarly  emotionally turbulent and tumultuous time? Is it fair to that person to lavish them with praise and burden them with your own emotional investment? I speak from experience. I dated someone once and quickly married them. Something which resulted in a separation and remaining as close friends.

  I made the mistake of making her settle down when it was probably not the best thing to do. As she said to me, "Enjoy it, as this is the only time in the world you can do this. Go out there and have fun, but be safe!"So, I'd like to have fun, but I remain cautious.

  Am I "living full-time"? Well, in my head, yes. The biggest hurdle is the sack of clothes that I have kept around. Sort of like an escape plan. Once I am rid of it, I give myself no choice, but to acquire new clothes. So what holds me back? Do, I doubt that I really identify myself as a woman? No, not really. Its just me holding onto the past, wishing that it wasn't this way. Wishing that I may someday wake up, and not feel this dissonance between body and mind. I'll do it to the fullest when I do.

  Like most things, I have trepidations starting out. First day jitters. I know that as I continue to expand into full-time status, that I will just get used to it. All of us experience this differently. I know that many of us share similar thoughts and ideas. I also know many of us have different goals and desires.

  Some want to bring awareness to our plights, others want to just pass by unnoticed. I've thought about that a bit. I wouldn't call it skulking in the shadows, but I would say that I wouldn't enjoy the limelight as much as others. I'd rather that I never had to tell anybody that I am trans. Especially not someone who I may encounter in the future. That lucky girl or boy who would mean the world to me. Of course, that is something I may wish to write about at a future point.

  My dear friends, I hope that I haven't rambled on for too long. I've tried to keep it short, but alas, I am unable to do so. This is why I can't use twitter.

  Cool hugs,

  Rachel