The Road to Transition

• Posted by Rachel Maxwell August 17, 2013 #  #road  #path  1,566 views
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  The Road to Transition won't be easy. I will be hopefully hearing from one of Norways leading Sexologists, Dr. Esben Esther Pirelli Benestad. in the next week or so. Maybe talking to her will sort me out. Maybe I'm gender fluid. I'd probably be happy to know at least. Get a proper diagnosis at least. The hardest part will be coming out to some friends and family. I'm going to do some research, and more importantly do it at my own pace. I won't be rushed into things.
  
  One problem I have always had is that I start living through other people. My ex-wife for example. I had always reasoned that I could never be what she became. She seemed to find some comfort in that and I was happy. Of course, not really happy. I had difficulties over the years. 
  
  After my car accidently my temper used to be off the scales. I learned to temper that by avoiding human contact and thus reducing conflict. It still happens to me occassionally. I won't even notice that my anger bubbles over. Not until after it happens. I've at least never become physically violent. I always take things as if they were personal attacks. Quite hypocritically, I have done the same to others. I don't know where that comes from. 
  
  Back to living vicariously through other people. I was afraid this trend would also start to happen again with my ex-gf. A glorious and splendid person have I never known the like or equal of. Awesome and bodacious. Resplendent. I could see a similar pattern emerging though. I am sure it didn't occur to me at the time that we could have worked through the situation together. I don't know what drove me to that conclusion. Anyway, it happened and here I am.
  
  I happen to also try to live up to what other people expect of me or what I think they expect me to be or do. I've been aweful at living for myself, but I realize that I need to do what is best for me, even if others may be shocked or disagree. But I gotta find my happiness. I gotta find something that will calm me down and just bring out the person that is the happy me. I happen to know that Rachel is that person.
  
  I am not without fault, and I will stumble along the way. Having watched someone else go through it was painful enough. I kept saying, "I'll never understand that." but really I do now. It is like a different world. Everyone looks at me and all I can do is stare defiantely back.
  
  I do have a plan. A short list and then a more detailed one. On the short list I have some items. Get anti-androgens (AA). Either the Dr. will prescribe them to me or I *will* find alternate means. I won't mention t hem here, but I know some places to get what I want. I also want to get my face hairs removed. And why not? I keep having to remove it all the time anyway! I also plan to lose weight, this should have a two or three-fold affect. Lower weight, lower hypertension and diabetes problems, plus I might look good! Should I like AA, I might also consider HRT. Whether or not I take it all the way, I don't know yet. I don't see why I'd have to plus there actually are people who want and indeed do deserve it more than me. 
  
  I made a promise to some people, but I am not doing this for them. I am doing this for me. It feels right. I cannot let feelings of guilt or regret guide me the rest of my life. I cannot live in fear of what my parents or other family might think. I might not even bother telling them. Why should I? All it would do would be to cause rifts and other problems, potentially exclusion. 
  
  Will I get my name changed? Will I get my gender reassigned? I don't really know yet and I don't want to speculate upon it. Just want to see what to make of the diagnosis. Work through my other problems as well. I may need to relocate to where there are more people who I can hang out with. That may happen next year. Anyone know of any good places in the UK, not that Norway doesn't have many, but I am looking for people my own age mostly.

  
  

  Thanks for reading this entry. I was working on it since last night.