Hi I'm Lucy

• Posted by Deleted Member January 6, 2013 #  #  #MTF  756 views
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  Hi I’m Lucy.

   

  And this is something I have been pondering for a very long time, writing some sort of blog. I haven’t a clue whether what I’ve written is what’s expected, I don’t suppose that matters too much, but it is quite personal.

   

  Something else I have been thinking about doing for an even longer time is having a sex change, that’s what it was called when I was kid. I’ve got to a point where life is getting in the way of dressing, so I need to get serious. That’s not to say that I’m not already serious, but I need to start seriously looking into the realities of gender reassignment. As I write this I have some idea of what it involves, yet I also feel completely oblivious to what it entails and how to go about it. I have been to see my GP about my gender, and to be honest the Internet was more helpful.  She just seemed to be completely unaware of gender issues, but to be fair to her she did do some research and sent me some links to websites I already knew about.

   

  As I just mentioned, life is getting in the way of dressing. Meaning my life is now Lucy, and there are a few things that I want to carry over form the old me and integrate into the new me. And these things are going to involve facing the world without my face on, and I suppose this is what I’m going to find hard. I suppose that’s part of the reality of being transsexual. At the moment I start my days spending an hour and a half showering, shaving, putting my face on, and then getting dressed. But there’s going to come a time when facing the world has got to take precedent over putting my face on. The reality of going to work will dictate that. At the moment it’s hard because I still have a beard and short hair, but with the help of vast quantities of makeup and a wig I get by. But as well as work there are pastimes to consider. And for me that’s mountain biking, and there’s no way I will ever see a face full of slap and a wig as being appropriate attire on a black run at a Trail Centre in Wales!

   

  In some respects I am my own worst enemy. I know there’s masses of information out there, but I don’t find it very interesting scrolling through loads and loads of very dry pages of Internet content. I’m also rather skeptical about the validity of some of the information available out there. And where my health is concerned I’d rather have support and advice form a medical professional.

   

  My other failing is that I’m something of a recluse. I haven’t got any ‘real’ friends that I see on a regular basis outside of work. And the friends I have at work I prefer to keep at arms length for the time being. There isn’t a single person there who I trust enough to tell the truth to. So for now it’s all top secret and hush hush. Having said that I spend so much of my time out and about dressed that I’m sure to bump it to someone sooner or later. And when it happens… well I’ll deal with it when it happens.

   

  Getting back to the friends thing, that’s what I feel I need now, more than anything, friends of all sorts, but mainly real and trans women. I need to immerse myself deeply in female culture. It might seem like an odd thing to say, but although I don’t consider myself as male, equally I have no experience of what it means to be a woman. I dress like a woman, I try my hardest to look like a woman, but going native involves more than that. I feel like an outsider, I’ve always felt like an outsider, even when I was a kid I was and outsider because I grew up in almost total social isolation until I was five. The only female influence in my life was my mother, and she was outnumbered by the three men in her life. My upbringing was very male, I’ve got change that.

   

  So that’s where I’m at. I’m staring down the road without a map and no compass. I’m not even sure there is a map or compass. So for now I’m just going to keep going the way I’m heading and see where it takes me. Hopefully I’ll bump into people who can point me in the right direction, and one day I might get where I’m going.

   

  Lucy.