photographs of us

• Posted by Andrea Caskin April 22, 2012 1,909 views
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  Right.....time now for a bit of an intellectual blogging, a sort of thinking girl’s rumination and a demonstrating that....even when drooling over Mr Blahniks heels or trying to decide between a sweet pleated skirt or a new bodycon dress....us girls have oodles of brain power that can be directed at any topic that we see fit!

  And in this case the topic is pictures, photographs or images of ourselves.

  As transsexuals.... and I include in that title a large number of various individuals that make up the TG tribe (perhaps not the very hairy legged occasional knicker wearer/wanker! Although lets be generous with potential members of our constituency!)......

  We live in a strange emotional landscape, we are in a sort of ‘social twilight zone’ and I know there are vastly varying motives and drives for our mixing and blending of the genders, but the truth is we all have a deep and in many cases, what feels an instinctive affinity for female clothing, behaviour and habits.

  Some of us want to be completely female and some go on for full transitioning into a ‘complete female’ with surgery and hormones. Some of us prefer the in-between status and carry on dual lives, which perhaps allow only short moments of personal transformation into that creature we see in the mirror. The weekend when the wife is away or a business trip to a hotel and out of the suitcase comes our alter ego!

  And that is the nub of my topic! We girls have a need for images of ourselves....whether taken on an iphone or with a £5000 digital SLR, the drive is similar, we need to see this creature we become and capture her for a while to keep and show and refer too. Photographs are central to our being if we’re honest. It does seem to be a psychological and emotional aid or tool to helping us realise this creature that inside we are.

  When back at work and sitting in our suits in a meeting, it is an extraordinary sensation to look at yourself discreetly on a phone, at a website like Flickr and see yourself as that sexy attractive glamorous woman looking out of the phone’s screen back at you!

  I was once caught viewing my Flcikr pages when in a work situation and although at first worried about being ‘outed’! In fact there was no suspicion whatsoever and the two male colleagues clicked through my images with comments along the lines off Well I’d give her one....and....she can open her legs for me anytime , etc etc. The experience was cathartic, arousing and puzzling all at the same time. That’s when it occurred to me the powerful, unique and important relationship we have with photographs of ourselves and how they also help define us to ourselves.

  I know that I look at some of my own pictures and once past that narcissistic thrill of your own image arousing yourself, the picture of Andrea helps me to fix her identity in my mind and over the years my photography has been ‘ideas driven’ where possible, to show Andrea in settings and outfits that fill out and detail her personality.

  When actually dressed and out with boyfriends or at clubs Andrea is no longer an idea or an avatar, she is me and I feel very comfortable being her. Images don’t matter anymore, I am... down to the roots of my hair.... this slightly faded old tart who tries to look reasonably fashionable for her age I am fully authentic and people who meet me respond to me accordingly. But the truth is the images help me, they are like a benevolent/positive ‘Dorian Gray pictures in the attic’ situation, my pictures, in albums/books and harddrives, do not grow older and they show me sometimes at my best and in past situations or love affairs, which I can re-live.

  I’m sure that there is ‘rationing’ element for many t girls, in that we are often very restricted for time when we can be fully made-up and dressed and those precious moment can last longer and be re-lived when photographed. I also use pictures to help guide my style it gives me a critical eye over styles or outfits which although I might like, the photograph shows me otherwise, that in fact the outfit makes me look like a huge sack of pregnant potatoes!

  Obviously there are varying degrees of narcissism in most of us and I adore modelling for another photographer and on occasions it can be very highly arousing as well as generally enjoyable! I have had some very hot and visceral affairs with pro-level male photographers over the years!  

  The truth is the camera always lies, it really has little to do with the truth of what it is pointed at, the lighting and pose and make-up, etc, can all magically create a beautiful creature in a magical setting that is a millions mile removed from the stubbled, bleary eyed, bald face that greets us in the bathroom mirror every morning.

  So I think it’s important when we view the girls albums on this site and many other and on our own computers, phones and TV’s, that we acknowledge that they are not just photos! But a fundamental part of our transsexual beings and perhaps thinking about it like that might encourage some girls to experiment further and to explore that world a bit more. I have ordered an online hardback photo-book of about a 100 of my best and carefully selected images and I can’t with to get it back from being printed. It will condense Andrea into a durable and creatively formatted icon of me which I can enjoy myself and show to the world and if I die tomorrow and it’s discovered amongst my meagre belongings, it may be seen and hopefully admired or at least viewed with a small amount of enjoyment and interest. I hope that some of my photographs of me elevate the image from just showing a woman in underwear or a pretty dress, to showing a few small intimate truths about life and being a human being who has had to live a little on the periphery of society!