In the system

• Posted by Deborah Taylor May 20, 2014 #  2,252 views
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  I visited my GP yesterday and told him I would like a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic.

   

  Sitting in the waiting room I was nervous as hell. I knew what I had to say, but not how I was going to say it.

   

  I got the call, and followed the doctor all the way down the corridor into his room.

   

  He asked me how I was, and I told him physically I was fine, so he asked how he could help.

  "For the past couple of years," I told him, "My gender dysmorphia has been getting progressively worse, and I would like a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic."

   

  So that was how I was going to tell him. I'd run through a hundred opening lines, and that hadn't been one of them. Direct.

   

  He was extremely professional about that opening line, and asked me some questions, including how long I'd known [forever], how long I'd felt it was getting worse (about 2 years, much more so this year, and vastly more so since Easter). Did my wife know (yes), kids (no) and parents (difficult to tell, I'd told my mum when I was 11, but it's 'not mentioned').

   

  I told him I presented at work, and that had helped, but was not helping enough. He asked me to describe the feelings when I wasn't presenting, so I explained that it was like boarding a plane for a fortnight's holiday and suddenly thinking "I've left the back door wide open"; that sudden knot in the stomach is how I feel, and it gets progressively worse until I can 'check the back door' so to speak. I can put it out of my mind for different lengths of time, but each time it comes back, it comes back with greater force.

   

  He asked if I felt I needed antidepressants. I turned down his offer.

   

  I explained that in the past two years, the gaps I can endure have shrunk until I'm struggling to last a day. Weekends are hard, unless I distract myself.

   

  He asked how it was affecting my marriage, kids, work, life in general. I was honest, and explained that it was a bit of a strain on my marriage. My wife signed up to a traditional woman & man marriage, she doesn't want to be married to a woman. Workwise, no problems. Life in general, ups and downs. He asked me my sexual preference. That's an easy one to answer - I don't like men in that way. At all.

   

  He asked if I would want the operation.

   

  Tricky one this. As I do. However, that would be the end of my marriage. Finito. And that I could not face. Sounds odd, but I cannot imagine life without my wife being there for me. SHe's my best friend, my mentor, muse and lover. She's clever, witty and insightful. She's truly amazing, and I could never ask for a better person to spend my life with, because there isn't one. Jeeze, writing that has brought me to tears. One sec. It did the same in his surgery also.

   

  So he asked how I thought the GIC could help if I wasn't planning on going all the way. Basically, I don't know where I am, where I can go, what I can do. I need help from somebody who's been there, done that and bought enough tee-shirts to open a shop on eBay. I need to know how to cope for those times when I am dad/husband/son. None of my coping strategies are working for very long these days, and I can see myself drinking myself stupid to get through a weekend, which can't be healthy. According to the doc, they'll be able to help me get through this, but I'm not to a) hold my breath or b) anticipate the outcome. The reason being is that the process is glacial and I might get answers I wasn't expecting.

   

  I'm not the first to go to that surgery and say "I don't want to be a boy anymore." They know what they're doing. I'm in the system now. It's a matter of waiting, and taking each step as it comes.

   

  I can wait. I'm not in a hurry. I've made a positive step, and that will get me through.