So how is it going?

• Posted by Deborah Taylor May 9, 2014 #  #working as a woman  1,012 views
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  A little personal this one.

  I've been working as a woman now for well over a month. Probably well past due an update.

  The reasons for me opting to work as Debbie were twofold: Firstly, I was frustrated, anxious, sad and trapped with the lack of time I was spending as Debbie. Quite often, my dressing was solitary and I felt isolated and alone (and sometimes stupid). Not all of it - I'd have nights and days out, which are awesome, but a good three quarters of it.

  Secondly, I regularly had a desperate urge to walk away from everything, and just be me. My love for my wife and kids has kept me (just about) sane, and stopped me from making the call to the Gender Identity Clinic.

  I figured that If I could replace a bit of 'his' life with Debbie, I could cease to have the negative feelings, and the desire to transition would fade. I was still 'him' for my wife and kids, but for the rest of the time, I was me. Not quite 24x7, more like 10x5.

  Up until the 4 day weekend for Easter, this was working spectacularly well. I knew I'd done the right thing, I knew I was going to be all right.

  By Easter Sunday I was a mess.

  I hoped that a few days working back as Debbie would set me straight again - it hasn't.

  I have two diametrically opposed needs. I love my wife and kids so much that the thought of leaving them to become Debbie 24x7 makes me cry. Every time I go back to being 'him' for even the evening is heartbreaking. I dread the thought of the weekend. As I type this on a Friday morning sat at my desk, I know there's only a few hours left, and it knots me up inside.

  May Bank Holiday, I had a long talk with my wife, she knew I was sad. Everything came pouring out, a big tumbling mess of emotion that had us both in tears.

  Working obviously wasn't working.

  We didn't have any easy answers.

  So I've rung the GP to get a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic, as we both know that I need professional help. I don't care what label they give me. I'm happy to be 'non-op', but I need some way of moving forward that doesn't have me crying regularly. We both know what the worst case scenario is, but our preferred path is one we can walk hand in hand.

  Debbie