To be He or to be She?

• Posted by Rachael Louise Blanche April 21, 2014 4,103 views
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  'The chioce we make are the paths we walk....'

   

  "As I was b­ored I too­k the COGI­ATI test, ­I scored 1­30, classi­fication 4­, probable­ transsexu­al........­..... whic­h surprise­d me a bit­. Never re­ally consi­dered my s­elf transs­exual, Yes­ I've had ­my moments­ when I co­nsider goi­ng the 'wh­ole hog' b­ut that wa­s usually ­I was in m­y deepest ­part my on­going depr­ession. We­ll its giv­en me some­thing to m­aul over..­......... ­"

   

  I posted this a while back on my profile, now I am not really a big fan of these types of test. You can easily modify the your answers to fit the questions, but saying that I was truthful was this test.

   

  So I maulled it over and were does this leave me?

   

  In truth I have considered, having reassignment surgery, I think the first was way back when I was in my late teens, early twenties, but this was the 80s, no internet and it was not the sort of thing you could wonder down to your local library and ask if they've got any books on 'How to be a Transvestite' or 'Is a sex change right for you?'. As for my GP? Very old school,  'Brain tumour, don't be silly it's just a headache, I'm the docotor, you know'

   

  So this line of throught didn't go very far, even when I meet a transgender person I was so scared (I was scared due to fact I taking my driving test at the time), I couldn't ask any question!

   

  Next time was when I was about 30ish, I was married with two young children, I even spoke to a therapist about (due to fact I was on depression tablets and having a bit of a hard time),  who did point out that my crossdressing was part of the reason for my depression, due the fact I couldn't truely express myself. However, at the end of the day I decided to put my children first, thinking they needed a father. So it never went any further.

   

  Atfer that was when I got divorced. I throught damn it! I'll do it, I'll change my life completely. Somehow, life got in the way and I never managed it. Mind you at this time I was dressing as and when I wanted and in hindsight (isn't wonderful) I was spending more time dressed then in male mode (great big bloody sign there me thinks). I think I convinced myself I had found a balance, but I'm not sure I have if I'm honest.

   

  So now, here I am. As a very dear any sorely missed friend said to me, you have to be 100% sure you want to go through with this. Once you start it's very difficult to turn back and you'll go thro hell and high water and you'll see who your true friends are. There lays the crux of my problem I'm only probably 80-85% sure. Yes, throughtout my life this thought has been seating there in the back of my mind simmering away, coming to the boil every now and again. Do I have the courage and conviction or will I do what I always do and put other peoples happiness before my own.

   

  So I'll do what I've always done weighing up the pros and cons, and never really getting anywhere.