Sins of the Father

• Posted by Rachael Louise Blanche February 1, 2014 2,056 views
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  In my recent excursions into 'bloglogy' entitled Random Stuff, I gave a brief history of me. Not very exiciting, but sometimes writing helps me think. Those of you read it (I do apologise for any nightmare you had afterwards) may have notice I failed to mention my Father in any those blogs.

  My father is, well I also have step-father, is difficult subject for me. My father left my mum when I was very young. Now I don't blame this for my transvestism, I'm just wired diffiently. But it did sully my reletionship with my father.

  I was angry with him for a very long time, while my other siblings seem to cope better with this. Maybe it was because I was younger, and maybe as the youngest I was also used as pawn in that horrible game seperated parents play. Either way my older siblings had more contact with him. I most admitt some of that was my on choosing. My relationship with my father wasn't helped by finding out I had a half-brother and sister, which my father sired while still married to my mum.

  But life has a habit of slapping you in the face. First was my break down, my father didn't seem to be able cope with this, He was an Irish catholic, working class, man's man. My break down was seen as weakest, mine or his I was never sure. At this point we stopped talking, my sister tried her to keep us talking but fate is cruel. In late 2000 my father was diagonsis with lung cancer. I for my part, I put my ill feelings aside and went to make peace with him. I wouldn't say grew close but our relationship did improve over the 18 or so months my father had left. Towards the end he said to me 'Sorry, I was never the father you needed' these words still bring tears to my eyes. In truth I was never really the son he deserved.

  As for my step-father, that was relationship was one of indifference on both sides. My step-father was a broader-line alcoholic, he would go weeks without drinking then binge for a week or so. I seemed to spend most of my childhood with my nan. I was another man's son and my younger brother was his and better than me in so many ways as I was always told. My older brothers went to live with our father and my sister was living with our Nan. My mum did in some way, tried to protect me, I lost myself in my books.

  As for myself. I tried to be a good father, but at the moment some my say not. My son doesn't want to talk to me, I still love him and I'm still proud of him but he's 21 so a man in his own right. My relationship with my daughter is better. As my father said to me 'Sorry, I'm not the father they need'.