after a good 2 weeks of ' no im not femme, im just a bit weird/fucked up/crazy/ whatever" im actually not nearer any decisison. I keep thinking that if I want something enough then that thing will be true. but I know I do this and I WANT to be female therefore its true. except there are periods when I dont want that. Not that I actually want the opposite just I couldnt give a shit. confusing. not helped by today when I watched Dirty Dancing and kept imaging being 'Baby' and Swayze. In some of the love scenes I imagained being both him and her. Not at the exact same time but pretty near. I could imagine I was holding her, then I was stroking her back then he was kissing me, then him picking me up etc etc. I was the one being lifted (by him for a dance move) but I was also the one dropping her. I could feel his lovely large hand taking mine, leading me in his warm strong embrace. him looking at me with so muhfocus. im the centre of his world and I love it! ......mqybe i just fancy patrick swayze.
right now i am Baby. i want to dance but i have no fluidity in my body. i want to guys to want me but im scared of them. Im trying to do right but the world gets in my way and i want to feel right in my body but I dont what that is.
most of all i watched dirty dancing and had a bloody good cry ....
September 3, 2015- -
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