My truth!

• Posted by Louise James September 29, 2011 #Trans sexual  #  #TG  2,105 views
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  I thought I would write this while I thought about it.  It's basically for anyone who is like me - and judging by the number of TV/CD/TG's posting photos, blogging, emailing etc there seemd to be quite a few.  I won't overcook the early years, just skip to the recent past.  In 2009 I finally managed to ask my doctor to refer me to a psychotherapist to try and sort out what I really was.  During that year (and for many years previously) there had been times when I desperately wanted to be a woman, and other times when I desperately didn't.  With me it has always been that the TG side of me comes out in winter - I don't know why, but when the sun goes down, Amie gets stronger.  So anyway I saw the therapist and explained (as much as you can to a total stranger) how I felt, and believe me some of the things are very difficult to explain to anyone else, professional or not.  I guess the role of a therapist is to bring you to reality, and there is no doubt that he did exactly that.  Over a few months he drew out a lot which I think had been buried for years, to be honest I'm not the most open of people at the best of times, and a lot of the things I said and "confessed" to I never dreamed I would discuss with anybody.

  Then in spring 2010 the urge subsided - just as I always suspected it would.  Basically Amie just ceased for a few months - maybe it was running my business that gave me less time to be Amie, or maybe it was something else, but basically there was no desire to sleep in female clothing or dress at all.  So Amie went to bed for a few months and then, come winter, it all began again, and if anything became stronger - I wen back to see the therapist and started thinking about whether it really would be possible to be Amie on a full time basis.  The one thing I did this time that was different was to sit down with a female friend and tell her pretty much everything - a big risk but I had to know.  If I was to be Amie full time I knew there was a risk of alienating myself from friends, family and maybe even my clients from work because there would be no way I could not tell most of them...  Her reaction was one of surprise, and a little interest - to be honest I was quite hoping for a lot more questions than she asked me (are you gay, that kind of thing).  Overall though she told me it wouldn't make a difference to our friendship, which was nice to know.

  Then in March/April 2011 - Amie died, to all extents and purposes.  Why I couldn't really tell you - maybe the reality of how hard it would be finally sunk in, maybe I just couldn't do it any more, or maybe everything else that was happening in my life overtook Amie.  I stopped seeing the therapist, stopped dressing, stopped everything Amie-related, to the extent that when I moved house, all the clothes Amie had went to various charities.  I always had a suspicion that Amie was just sleeping, rather than actually dead, and so it has proved - Amie has resurfaced, although to what extent I will have to wait and see.  My theory?  I am and have never been a TS - Amie filled some gap that I had in my life and I guess will always be around, just on an occasional basis, and I should see it for what it is - a chance to be somebody different for a while, and have fun with it.