Depression

• Posted by Pauline Smith April 9, 2015 1,310 views
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  Snap out of it !!!

   

  How? When? Why?

   

  Life is not a game of cards..with Mr Baker and Mrs Baker, but something where we really do experience ups and downs. At my mature age I know that I (you) appreciate the ups in life much more only because I have had the downs. That does not mean that I enjoy the downs.....

   

  Depression - what is it?

   

  You must be able to shake it off and "snap out of it".  Well actually you can't in my experience. Maybe I have been lucky in that I have not had to use tranquillisers, though alcohol is a good sedative and pain deadener. But when I look back, now that I am at the latter part of my life, I realize that there were several times when I was more than just down - I was depressed.

   

  Gladys Knight sings about the "pain and glory" of living and sharing, and her autobiography is entitled "Between each line of pain and glory: My life story". Here are a few of her lyrics from a  song which in some ways encompasses me.....ironically its entitled you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Superficially it's about success and being there, but it's really about pain and loss............

   

  I've had my share of life's ups and downs
  But fate's been kind, the downs have been few
  I guess, you could say that I've been lucky
  

   

  If anyone should ever write my life story
  For whatever reason there might be
  Ooh, you'll be there between each line of pain and glory
  'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me
  Ah, you're the best thing that ever happened to me

   

  Oh, there have been times when times were hard
  But always somehow I made it, I made it through
  'Cause for every moment that I've spent hurting
  There was a moment that I've spent, ah, just loving you, yeah

   

  As a transgendered person I still mourn for the loss of my marriage and the love of my life, this song encapsulates that for me.

   

  So what the f..k has this to do with depression?

   

  A lot.

   

  Winston Spencer Churchill, war leader polymath and well known depressive, talked about his "black dog days". Anyone has been depressed knows about the black dog...

  No energy, no pride in appearance, no pride in keeping the home clean and tidy....never mind viewing life through a mist or thick bottle glass, and wondering why FFS am I here. I question why I am TG and grow a beard and then don't wear any women's clothes, even though my home is full of them - except ironically I sleep in a nightie.

  There are womens clothes all over the house in piles, breast forms on the floor and bras on doorknobs,,,, the dust is gathering everywhere, and the washing basket is overflowing. Do I care? No! The only spaces that are clean are the kitchen and the bathroom..so I am eating OK and cleaning up the kitchen, and I am showering and also keeping the bathroom clean.

   

  Bare minimum really.

   

  After almost 2 months in this fog I sense some light at the end of the tunnel, and I realize that it isn't a train coming the other way but the start of spring. Maybe I will now go out more than once a week to the supermarket, now that spring has sprung?

   

  Sadly it's not that easy.

   

  Depression is an illness, with no known cure. Last time for me it lasted 2 years, and it's only with hindsight - that gift where you get 20:20 vision when looking back at your own life - that you realize that the fog you lived in was depression.  This time I recognize the tendrils of the mists, and even have half a clue as to why I am so low.

   

  I feel bad that I have let down friends with broken promises and missed deadlines, but then I really was not capable.  Capable of being me, whatever me is.

   

  So I am back now on Transtastic, ready to be a moderator again and hopefully to contribute in positive ways. I know that I am not alone and that many transgendered people suffer from depression. 

   

  If any of you are in that sad place where I was forthe past 8-10 weeks then just send me a message. I dont have any magic wands, but a problem shared means at least one other person cares about you.

   

   

  hugs 

   

   

  Pauline xxx