The Closet is a Terrible Place

• Posted by Pauline Smith December 2, 2014 #coming out  #transgendered  1,560 views
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  'The closet is a terrible place...' How coming out transformed five lives

   

  Gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, it’s hard to be happy when you have to lie about who you are

   

  In today's Guardian (2nd December 2014) this article by Patrick Strudwick was on the main page, with the headline and sub headline above. I have extracted Helen's story, which has lots of relevance to all of us transgendered people here, and given the link to the article.

   

  hugs

   

  Pauline xxx

   

  Helen Belcher, 51

  Software company owner, Wokingham, Berkshire

  I used go to bed every night hoping to wake up as a girl. I remember being five years old and praying that the new baby on the way would be a girl so I could see what I would have been like. Puberty, at a boys’ boarding school, was very confusing because I didn’t want it – the muscles, the hair – but I had to fit in. I fell into evangelical Christianity there. To this poor little confused kid, Jesus had all the answers. But from the age of 12 I was dressing up secretly in my room, trying to keep a lid on how I was feeling, petrified of being found out.

  I knew I wasn’t gay – I was attracted to girls and at 29 married the first woman who went out with me. We still went to church, we had two children, but when my daughter was nearly two I suddenly realised: “If I don’t do something to sort this out, I’m going to end up hating her because she’s going to become what I’ve always wanted to be – a woman.” I was growing increasingly withdrawn, depressed, suicidal, so finally Joanna, my wife, confronted me, at which point I had enough confidence to say: “This is how I am and I don’t think it’s going to change.”

  At first I tried just dressing as Helen a few evenings a month, but every time I took the clothes off it crushed me. Being myself, even for those short periods, meant I could breathe. It was hard for Joanna – she wrestled with people’s perceptions of her, because she’s not gay – but my family stood by me. My children, like most children, just accepted everything.

  Ten years ago I started transitioning, and I remember a couple of months after starting hormones, going to a support group and seeing some rhododendrons and they were really beautiful and vivid. I felt I was seeing colours properly for the first time. The depression started to lift. I realised I would be OK, that there was light.

  Coming out, and transitioning, enabled me to explore different avenues within myself. I don’t have to filter things any more – there was always a filter: how am I, as a man, supposed to react? Being male was learned behaviour, whereas now I can react to things and relate to people instinctively. I removed the impersonation. Joanna stayed with me, partly because she said I became much easier to live with the happier I became. She said something else, too: that when I was male there was always a ghosted look in my eyes, whereas now there is a vibrancy. I know what that is: liberty.

  http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/dec/02/the-closet-is-a-terrible-place