Mahler, Tolle, Muse, and Me

• Posted by April-Mae Juin January 30, 2013 2,086 views
  click to rate

  Well thats a catchy little title, and what brings me to team em all up............... LIFE or more specifically DEATH illness, and injury. If you are interested in my progress I apologise for not adding anything other than regular pictures since May 2012.

   

  So what do I know about all this - thankfully too much - thru personal experience other than my ice skating accident which was life changing in itself- but also thru friends & families personal experience.

   

  All I can say is that I have seen the effects of illness - obviously upon those who have been ill, and sadly not got better, but I have also seen the effects on people around them- and it is understandable how so many fall apart.

   

  At present I am watching helplessly the interaction between a very sorted - in many ways - mature mother of a grown up daughter who is her equal and is suffering from cancer. 

   

  At times I feel so humble, other times so angry, and the apparent incompetence of the NHS and the way that the only way treatment is persued on this girl is through an intelligent mothers reasoned and rational argument. 

   

  Had this woman not struggled so hard for her daughter she would not be here after the initial cancer set in last year - they are both professional highly intelligent, self aware, effortlessly beautiful - and yet her mother believes that gravitas is added to her case by not bothering with her personal appearance-I really don't believe that.

   

  For her and her daughter time is running out - but so can it be said for everyone - from the moment we are born we have that piece of genetic garbage in our systems that defines a sell by date ... its not something we want to think about- none of us- not me certainly so the only way to deal with it is to live in the now, and this does not mean live like there is no tommorrow cos you will simply bring that day a lot closer a lot quicker if you don't love yourself as we all should- no matter what was done to us in our youth, or via other relationships, we are the people we die with-

   

  If there is something you feel within you you need to do :- like transition, like have a relationship with someone that excites you and pushes the right buttons and you are both mature enough to understand each other deeply and it does not destroy someone who loves you then its only you that can choose whether or not you enjoy that freedom- you are the gatekeeper- and you are the enabler-

   

  It is only with transition that I wake up happy every morning, that I feel relaxed when I walk out in public, when I buy my food, when I listen to music, when I dance, when I go on stage and perform, and soon when I see my daughter face to face on a more regular basis than I have done since my ex wife drew up the drawbridge on my visits, and my ex partner - sniped, and kicked off every time I wanted to see her. 

   

  I am not perfect, and I know that my transsexuality must have made it seem like I was suffering from some kind of personality defect but for the first time in my life I look in the mirror - like what I see, I relax with friends, I am at peace by myself, and in performance .... My transition to date  in short has allowed me to experience true JOY with INTEGRITY, and EMPATHY.

   

  x LOVE X THINK X ENJOY- bright blessings - April x