Halfway Thru 2011

• Posted by April-Mae Juin May 31, 2011 #Ramblings of an Incoherent Kind - A quest for synthesis or pretence?  1,881 views
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  OMG -It occurred to me that we re virtually half way thru 2011. 

   

  I will talk only from my viewpoint - 2011 has been one long hold up!! I have been essentially stuck in the East Midlands trying to figure out what happens next.  Following what happened in 2010.

   

  Sometimes - quite often in fact I think of the happy times of relative affluence, but then think of the times when I used to look after her, and live for her and negate everything that was about me - then I think of my summer of creativity last year - then I think of times which seemed safe and secure but were essentially stultification during which time I did nothing other than meet a very special m8,  and fall out with someone I thought was a m8, but who put the knife in out of a feeling of misplaced revenge. 

   

  I seemed to have had a lot of betrayal. Not quite sure why- I imagine its a common feeling in trans girls lives. There are also the trans persons who betray trust themselves and why they do that - well something within too I guess.

   

  The vindictiveness of some people shocks me at times, I could never treat anyone in such an inhumane manner- and I am not talking about the eviction - I am talking about deliberately engineering a situation which brought me in to potential conflict with the police - a situation I am not familiar with and never wish to be-  this time my car got dumped in a bus stop with the tax just having run out- I will not forget that  - that is pure evil!!!

   

  I have not felt safe since that- however that has brought up the need for me, and its a need that I have never bothered to consider before and that is a need for allies - for people who may not be family or partners, but real genuine friends - who don't judge, don't cajole, don't expect, but welcome you in, don't push their beliefs, don't try to get you involved in their disputes, don't try to make you in to a sex slave, or put you in a mental situation that makes things harder for you.  In short those who like me will not judge!!!!!

   

  I now count myself as very lucky to have found friends who are real and - who seem to understand me and are willing to be around as I sort this complicated work  in progress into something resembling a potentially prosperous person - perhaps enjoying a pleasurable productive and creative real and yet  fun filled future

   

  When I was married I guess I was more or less Billy No Mates, working hard in the rat race, and largely getting nowhere with it - then working my own business with (as it turned out FOR my "partner" who took everything and left me high and dry, and alone - after my sister died- and again decreed that I did not contact "her" suppliers- people that had become friends with within the business- Some have actually contacted me after and I know who they are those that did not - well I know why they did not- because the story from her end was as always one sided as only an ex journalist can be, and of course brilliantly delivered -

   

  I looked out there and people connected with me - why- I don't know maybe thats just what it is about - being there??  I won't name you but I am glad you are there.  Most of the people to whom I am referring are in the North of England- some in the South but others as far away as the US, Australia, and Malta, they are genuine - and I feel close to them - the positive power of the internet.

   

  Whats this all about - if anything its about Resilience - searching within - looking into the past bravely in many cases re examining often without realising what is automatic what is inherent within- refusing to label yourself one way when all the pressures are there to put on another convenient if not particularly suited set of clothes which invert a set of beliefs you previously believed you had.

   

  I personally think its nice not to lose everything which brought you to where you were - there were some good things and when we decide we no longer wish to be exactly like we were before we need to look a bit and think it is not all 100% inconsistent with who I want to be in the future some of it needs to be in place so that you can build on an inner core .....