Is 'passing' really a possibility?

• Posted by Julie Hawkwood November 17, 2011 #  2,089 views
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  I had a VERY weird, almost transcendental trans experience the other week.

   

  I don't think I pass at all. I don’t think I’ve ever passed. I remember once, many years ago, being shouted at from a guy about ten stories up in a tower block in Salford. He shouted ‘Tranneeeeeeee’ and it echoed around the precinct. He seemed miles away, could anyone really tell at that distance? I was wearing the obligatory mancunian girls ‘two items of clothing’ rule (minidress and panties, and shoes of course).

   

  I hope I look great and put a lot of effort into dressing, but not a chance of passing. I try and keep slim, keep hairless like every girl does, keep tanned all year. I try REALLY hard as I’m sure you do. But never pass. Passing probably isn’t my goal anyway. I like standing out from the crowd. I like being six feet tall then adding whatever height the heels will give me. I like to shock the ‘muggles’ who have never seen a ‘cock in a frock’.

   

  I adore the theatre of dressing, the make-up, the persona, the drama. So passing has never been part of my agenda BUT I’m sure we all dream of just waking up girls, being a girl, no-one knowing we aren’t a girl.

   

  Then I went out Thursday, not trying, not really dressed en femme. Ok I had my hair pulled back in a ponytail, girly/androgenous clothes on, skinny jeans, scarf round my neck and girls Ugg boots. No boobs, no makeup. A couple of guys during the morning in Manchester obviously read me as a girl by how they spoke to me. WHOA!!!!! STOP! I usually spend hours picking out a dress, putting on the make-up, picking the heels… AND then this happens? They thought I was a girl, they treated me kindly…. They treated me DIFFERENTLY.

   

  I was reeling, it was weird and spooky, like it wasn’t the usual me they were talking to. I was elated, who did they see, who did they perceive? I now am rethinking my whole crossdressing. Maybe ‘less is more’? Obviously, big hair and sequins is pure drag queen. What is the opposite of pure drag queen? Where do I go now? Do I wear less make-up, wear jeans and Uggs? Do I become a plain middle-aged, invisible housewife? Do I ditch the stockings, minidresses and heels. That doesn’t sound much fun!

   

  I think because we are closetted, when we get the chance to be ‘en femme’ then we grab at exaggerated items of feminity and why the hell not! I am rethinking my journey. I will never ditch the heels and skimpy clothes BUT what now…….?