The Misery of being 'Trans'....

• Posted by Julie Hawkwood October 7, 2014 3,984 views
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  I’m not very sociable. In fact I’m quite anti-social, miserable, very often depressed. I think its part of me being ‘trans’.

   

  Being trans makes me miserable. Being trans makes being sociable hard for me. I very often feel guilty, feel nervous. I worry that in ‘normal’ or work company, people wonder why, as a guy, I have long blonde hair and obviously shaped brows. I feel guilty. I don’t look ‘right’. People are wary of me.

   

  If ‘normal’ people mention transpeople, I get nervous, panicky, act weird. That makes me more nervous and aloof. And that spreads and grows.

   

  It even affects my ‘trans’ social life too. I’m not a ‘normal’ in normal company so I’m miserable. Very often I’m not a boozy party social ‘tranny’ in trans company (although I do have form as liking a booze-up and certainly trying!) and on a night out I can be miserable.

   

  So a miserable person who's hard work to be with?

   

  So how does that sit with becoming a woman? Women are gregarious, crave social interaction, love to chat, are smiley and warm? None of these words apply to me. If I were to become a woman, all this would be the hardest thing for me to learn.

   

  Decades of miserableness with my trans condition seem entrenched and the only future looks.. ‘weird’. Transitioning is hard. If you’re a weird, antisocial person, transitioning kind of emphasises the weirdness. ‘He’ is odd therefore being trans proves ‘he’ was odd. The ‘odd guy’ wears womens clothes. The ‘weirdo’ wants to be a woman. The ‘shifty guy’ wants to use our Ladies.

   

  Inside I’m a wonder, I’m a goddess. Trying to make the inside the outside seems so impossible… Shit, now I’m more miserable! LMAO Love ya xxx