2015 - Time for an Update

• Posted by Devon Johnson January 3, 2016 1,758 views
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  Welcome back to regular readers of my irregular Blog and hello to any new ones.

  You may recall the last time I put my thoughts down in a Blog, it was February 2015 and I had just had an “emotional tsunami” after taking my wife to see Anton and Erin in London and seeing 4 ladies out enjoying themselves in the pub afterwards and thinking that Devon should have been with them. (If you don't know what this is about, read my previous Blog first!!).

  Well, 10 months have now passed and if I thought that was going to be the most emotional I ever got, I didn’t know what was coming!!
  So what has happened since then?

  Well I have definitely been out and about this year, I think I could act as a Travel Agent or Guide for Girls who, like me, travel with work during the week and stay overnight in towns and cities. :-)

  I started off in February when I went to Glasgow, not the best night out I’ve had, but at least I found my bearings and for the second time, I went out in the daytime shopping. This was becoming addictive!!

  Evenings out with Alana in Leeds, Birmingham and Liverpool quickly followed and in March I took delivery of my new wig which improved my confidence an awful lot. I had managed to stay overnight in Brighton and I spent a whole morning with Andrew who runs Translife choosing a style and colour and when it arrived I was overjoyed, it suited my personality perfectly.

  Nights in Liverpool, Nottingham and Rugby followed and then I finally made it to the Totton disco near Southampton where I made a lot of new friends.

  But underlying all these “successes”, pressure was building inside me and at home. My wife, wouldn’t understand what I was doing, although she realised it was something I did, but nights away were preceded with strong words late into the nights.

  My every move at home was watched and statements made after coming home were cross checked against those made before I went away for discrepancies and errors.

  My time on the computer was also limited, by either somehow never being alone in the room or “invitations” to come down from the room and be with my wife. This made organising and planning difficult (I did not want to use my work laptop as the history files can be kept on our servers) and also chatting to my friends on Transtastic or Facebook was infrequent and often suddenly curtailed.

  In an effort to improve things, I upgraded to an iPhone 6 which is (almost) big enough to use as a computer and did improve my access slightly.

  And still my weight continued to fall. I found any slight upset at home instantly resulted in a loss of appetite; cross words over an evening meal would end my meal there and then.
  And cross words at bedtime (my wife’s favourite time to discuss “my problem&rdquowould result in no or very little sleep for me afterwards.

  But I needed to go out, ideally with other girls, but if not, on my own. I found that I needed to be out at least one night a week and anything that spoilt that caused me a lot of stress.
  One week, we were all told at work to clear our diaries for the following week as we would be required to meet and greet our new Company owners. This was the week I was going to go to Outskirts in Birmingham and I was distraught, really upset, sitting like a big kid on the toilet in tears. How could they do such a thing to me?

  And then there were the highs; my first evening at the Theatre (on my own!!), the Lace Market in Nottingham with Simone, evenings with Katherine and Joanne and Susi and many others, but throughout my year there has been Alana, my closest and dearest friend without whom I don’t know what I would have done.

  And there were 2 nights at Scarletts hotel in Blackpool, where I was looked after wonderfully by Jenny and shown around the nightlife. But the best times were during the days, wandering around Blackpool, shopping, browsing and generally just being me. I even had a trip on a tram!!
  And the first thing I saw in the mornings when I woke up were my painted fingernails. For the first time ever I had been able to leave my nail polish on when I went to bed. Can you imagine how great that feels? And then to go downstairs and have breakfast as Devon?

  But I paid dearly for it on my return. My wife, who had been away for 3 days with her school had suspected I was going somewhere, but said nothing (things were very cool before she went) and on my return, under “cross examination”, I got my story wrong and made a mistake – Boom!! That was a bad weekend.

  And then more nights out and trips to the theatre and shopping centres. But all of them mid week and all a bit rushed. No Friday nights in Leeds or weekends away or Sparkle. But still they were great times.

  Buy my need to be out was greater than the number of distant work places that I could legitimately go to, so I started to invent distant locations to be visiting overnight, while actually being closer to home (Leeds, Manchester and Birmingham are all travelable from my home).
  And every time on my return I had to ensure my story was correct.

  I also had another problem in that my clothes were kept at home, in the loft and hidden in the garage and so somehow I had to get home earlier than my wife to unpack things. Or leave them in the car overnight and risk her wanting to borrow it to pop down to the shops and finding the boot full of clothes.

  And my weight hit a low of 10st 4lbs

  And one day while rushing to get back home before my wife, I crashed my car

  And I then knew I had to do something to sort things out.

  I went to the Building Society and enquired about a mortgage. Why would I want a mortgage? Well, I don’t know where this is going to end, but at 56, I need to have the security of somewhere to live but I haven’t many working years left and wondered if I could borrow enough. Thankfully they would give me a 17 year mortgage and with my savings as a deposit, I could (just) afford a flat in Leeds and when my pension comes through I could pay off most of it with the lump sum.
  I don’t want to leave home, but I had to know if I had a Plan B. I now knew I had one.

  I also went to the local self-storage company and rented a room – 7ft x 5ft and moved all my clothes and shoes and makeup and handbags and wigs into it – my goodness I did have a lot of things, its a wonder the loft hadn’t collapsed!!
  Its 24/7 access so I no longer needed to rush home, I can call in to/from work and pick things up or drop them off.
  I also bought a large clothes rail and many hangars and for the first time I hung all of my beautiful dresses and tops and skirts up and arranged all of my shoes underneath.

  And then I stood and admired them because I have some wonderful clothes and shoes that make me feel so good about myself (and some outrageously short dresses and ridiculous heels that would make my mother embarrassed!!)

  Oh, and I went to see my GP.

  One of the great things about the internet is the access to friends and information, and through those friends I was pointed towards sites to help me try and understand who I am and for the first time I came across the term “Gender Dysphoria”.

  There is lots of information about it, but the clearest information was on the NHS website.

  I had never met my GP, sheis new to the Practice, but I had had a brief phone call from her months ago and she sounded nice and I had a pre-booked appointment to see her about my fingernails (a long story and not relevant here) but I decided my nails could wait.

  So I printed off the pages from the NHS website, (because clearly this would be something she might need help understanding!!) and sat in the waiting room.

  The fact I could afford to get my own flat and the new place to store my clothes had reduced my stress considerably and so maybe I didn’t need to see her about my gender confusion?
  Maybe I could cope?
  Maybe my nails were more important?

  Maybe ...

  My name came up on the display board – Consulting Room 2

  Nails or Gender?
  Gender – yes
  No, nails. No, Gender

  I knocked and went in to meet my GP for the first time.

  She was sat at her desk looking at her monitor and she looked up and smiled, motioning me to sit down. She glanced sideways at me and said “What appears to be the problem?”

  I had my paperwork on my lap ready to show her.

  “Well I’m a bit confused about my gender”

  Probably not the most memorable line in history I admit and I waited for that puzzled look to come over her face.

  But it didn’t. She pushed her chair away from her desk and turned to face me.

  And for the next 30 minutes I told her about my life (abridged naturally!!) and she asked me questions and she told me things about my condition that I didn’t think anyone else would know.

  And I cried. It was such a relief to tell someone who understood.

  And she made decisions.
  She would refer me to a specialist Gender Clinic and also to the Practice Counsellor, Joanne.

  I went home and told my wife, who was glad that I had sought help, but was concerned that I would be encouraged to live my life as I wanted and that would mean leaving her, but the tension eased in the house.

  4 weeks later 2 letters arrived, one referring me to the GIC in Sheffield and one to see the Practice Counsellor, Joanne.

  The GIC letter said it would be 16 -18 months before I would be seen at Porterbrook (Sheffield) which was a huge disappointment, but Joanne could see me the following week.

  A week later, sat in the same surgery waiting room, my name came up on the display board and I walked into a different room to meet Joanne. I came prepared this time – I had some tissues!!

  And I needed them.

  After about half an hour, Joanne leant towards me and said “don’t worry, I can help you”. Joanne doesn’t specialise in gender issues, but she referred me to Trudy who works for the NHS Trust and does specialise and I met her the week before Christmas for the first time. Trudy has offered to meet my wife, with me or alone or if not, one of her colleagues will meet her. So far my wife hasn’t said anything to that offer.

  I also managed to change my GIC to Nottingham where the Waiting List is just under 12 months.

  And I agreed with my wife that I would be honest about where I was going (even if that meant I was staying somewhere relatively local). And that has worked better, I don't need to remember my story (or like Gordon Jackson in The Great Escape, remember to speak German!!)

  And for the first time I used the word “transgender” to my wife and I tried to explain how I feel when I am getting ready to go out as Devon and how relaxed and normal I feel when I am out there.

  So here we are (almost up to date).

  The Christmas fortnight has been difficult for me, 2 weeks without going out has been hard and all the time I have been at home, I was hardly ever left alone for very long, so keeping up with my friends on FB or Transtastic had been tortuous with conversations abruptly cut off mid sentence and writing this Blog has taken a long time!!

  And as my wife approaches retirement, she will be at home more and my time to wash clothes and wigs etc will be reduced. And if she continues to want to supervise me and not leave me with my own time, things will get harder.

  And one day I will retire and then what??

  But lots of things have improved in my life, I now sometimes go to my lockup and just organise my clothes and look at them. There is a very feint smell of my perfume in the room too.

  I hope my visits to see Trudy will help me to make decisions and see a clear way forward but I have no idea where I will be living in 12 months time. One thing is for sure though; I will have been to a Ladies Day Horse Race Meeting by then!!

  But I have put on some weight!!

  And I am meeting Trudy again tomorrow.

  And maybe I will get to the GIC before the year ends?

  And I have booked tickets and a hotel in London to take my wife to see Anton and Erin again in February, though maybe this time I won’t get so emotional if I see some ladies out together having a drink afterwards?

  Happy New Year to you all

   

  Devon
  xx