What a Difference a Year Makes

• Posted by Devon Johnson February 12, 2015 #coming out  #cross dressing  2,671 views
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  “How do you come to terms with the fact that after 56 years on this earth and 33 years of marriage your life is wrong?”

  That’s what I wrote on my Facebook page on Saturday night before turning in after a lovely weekend with my wife.

   

  So why did I write it and why this weekend?
  Well dear reader it we have to travel back in time 12 months . . . . 

   

  
  So here we are in February 2014 and for the 2nd year in a row I have treated my wife to tickets to the Anton & Erin Show in London.
  Now I’m not a big fan of Strictly, I don’t really appreciate Bruce’s jokes and the Judges are actors but she loves it, the dresses and the sequins and the high heels. 

  Wait a minute, did you say high heels? 

   

  I digress, she likes Strictly and she loves the Show and I love her and Devon is nowhere to be seen.

   

  Devon is hidden away in my attic and she only ever comes out when the house is empty. She is firmly in the closet.
  Well almost; she has ventured out a couple of times late at night for a quick walk down an empty street and then back into the car. I guess a lot of us have done that, but Devon has a cheap wig and a love of bright blue eyeshadow and she looks terrible.

   

  And its that awful look that keeps her hidden away, but I don’t know that in February 2014. 

   

  I think that this is as far as Devon will ever go.

   

  But I’ve been “fighting” Devon since my early teens and way back then I thought wearing my mum’s shoes and make up was as far as it would go; but it wasn’t and over the next 40 years, Devon has become bigger and braver and more and more of a woman and less and less of a teenager wearing lipstick.

   

  So the weekend is a major success and my wife loves me and thinks I am a fantastic husband and father.

   

  And then I bought a Noriko wig off EBay.

   

  And my face changed completely when I wore it at home. I looked sort of, well, you know, sort of, sort of feminine.

   

  With bright blue eyeshadow though!!

   

  And near where I work is a shop called Transformation and one evening I called in and the nice assistant sold me some beard cover and some pale blue eyeshadow.

   

  And suddenly Devon looked like she could go out and be passable.

   

  And a Facebook friend invited me out to Dempseys while my wife was away with her work (she goes away for 2 weeks mid week every year in April / May).

   

  She rang me that evening, we chatted, I told her what I was having for tea, she told me what they were having and what she had done that day and she asked what I was doing that night. I told her I was watching tv and catching up on some work. We said goodnight.

   

  What I didn’t mention was that I was part-dressed for my first night out as Devon.
  Do you think I should have mentioned that?

   

  A great night out – we all remember our first time don’t we? ;-)

   

  Anyway 2 weeks later she went away again and yet again we chatted and told each other about our days and what we would be doing in the evenings.
  And I went to The Viaduct in Leeds and then back to Dempseys the following night.

   

  But both nights I forgot to mention it to her.

   

  I had been married almost 33 years then to her then; she is my lover, friend, soul mate, supporter and mother to my amazing son.
  And now I was deceiving her.

   

  At this point we can get into the debate about the previous 32 years deceit with the growing collection in my house of Devon’s clothes, make up and shoes.

  Especially the shoes!!

   

  But for some reason in my mind I was able to live with this because I was where I should have been when I was Devon and I wasn’t meeting people who she either didn’t know or who I wouldn't be happy to introduce her to.
  

   

  These people weren’t my drab mode friends, they were Devon’s friends. And my wife doesn’t know about Devon.

   

  Well not until May 2014 that is, when it all became too much for me and I told her.

  • Badly..
  • Ill timed..
  • Ill prepared..

  I’m sure you can imagine what happened – some of you may even know what happens as you’ve done the same thing as I did - on that lovely warm summer evening in May.

   

  When my wife’s world fell apart.

   

  And so we have struggled for nearly nine months now to try and work out a way to stay together and include this third person in our relationship

   

  Almost from the moment I told her she has wanted to know why I didn’t tell her 33 years ago so she had a choice, but 33 years ago I wore my mothers clothes and makeup and I was going to get married and move away and I would stop all that “dressing nonsense” (which I did for a time).

   

  And there was no internet (can you remember a time before Google?), no EBay and no “Click and Collect”.

  Facebook and Transtastic weren’t around and I had no idea I was not unique or who else might be like me or where they went out.

   

  Things have changed exponentially on the internet and also for Devon.

   

  From telling my wife in May, Devon has continued to go out to places far and wide because my wife accepts its something I need to do, even though she hates me doing it. I feel Devon now looks good enough to go out shopping in the daytime because there is so much help and advice available both in shops and on YouTube.

   

  And all the time we have struggled to come to terms with our new World.

   

  Most evenings out as Devon result in dark periods back at home, sometimes unsaid and sometimes talking (it’s not arguing, because there aren’t two sides to have an argument)– I go out, she doesn’t like it and I can’t disagree with that fact.

   

  And yet she has made it clear that she does not want to be left alone in her retirement and by implication that means I am expected to stay.
  But don’t get me wrong, I would like to stay – though sometimes she tells me that’s “having my cake and eating it”, but I still like being a husband and a father.

   

  But the emotions are raw and quite painful sometimes. And then things improve and we talk and smile and I tease her or joke with her like I used to do and she doesn’t fly off in a rage.

   

  And then I go away again.

   

  But I only go out mid week, I cannot go out over the weekends and so it looks like Devon is never going to go to LFF, BNO or Sparkle.

   

  But last November, during a period of normality I noticed an advert for Anton and Erin and because I knew she likes them, I book 2 tickets, a train and a Premier Inn nearby.

   

  Now you will have to bear with me now for a moment while I just go into detail about hotel rooms.

  In my drab days a hotel room was a place where I slept and used the bathroom for the basics.
  As Devon, when I walk in the room I do a 360 degree scan to check out the actual essentials in the room:-

  • Mirror sizes and location
  • Size of the shelf near the mirror for all Devon’s makeup
  • Quality of the lighting above the mirrors
  • Full length mirror?
  • Wardrobe / hangars for all her dresses
  • Hair dryer

  Plus nice to haves:-

  • Tissues / cotton pads
  • Iron and ironing board in the room

  These are the REAL requirements for a room.

   

  And so back to last weekend.

   

  We travelled down to London for the Show and checked into the hotel and of course walking in to a hotel room brought back all the happy memories of when Devon checks into hotels and how I slowly transform from drab to Devon accompanied by that tingle of anticipation of a great night out with friends old and new.

   

  The Show was great; no seriously, I thought the Show was great, Erin looked fantastic in some wonderful dresses, which 12 months ago were ok, maybe even sexy, but now, after 2 Christmas Parties, all I could think about was how good Devon would look in some of them (only those with no cleavage of course!), and especially the turquoise one she wore in the second half – I have developed a liking for turquoise as my photo albums will attest and she had one that I could see myself in next Christmas.

   

  Her heels weren’t high enough though, but I realise she had to waltz across the stage with Anton, so I let her off there :-)

   

  And as we walked back to the hotel, we called in at a pub for a couple of drinks and we sat and chatted.

   

  And across the other side were 4 ladies of Devon’s age chatting and laughing and having a Girlie Saturday night out, dressed in that casual smart style that is everywhere now.

   

  Just like Devon had done a few weeks earlier in Manchester.

   

  And one of them went to the bar and she walked across the room in her high heels and placed her handbag on the bar and stood on her tiptoes to speak to the barman to order her drinks just like Devon does.

   

  And at that moment I thought to myself, “How do you come to terms with the fact that after 56 years on this earth and 33 years of marriage your life is wrong?”

  Devon.